6 Months On...

Back in February I made a post called "Time To Talk". I discussed finally getting help for depression and anxiety after suffering in silence for 8 or 9 years.
I've now been on medication for 6 months so I thought I'd give an honest update of how these 6 months have been for me.

I began my prescription of 20mg Citalopram at the beginning of January. The first day was horrendous. I felt very light headed, unbalanced and nauseous all day and I just spent the day laid on my bed. I did a lot of Googling (as always...) and this seemed to be a thing that happened to others so I just put up with it. I remember being a bit scared to carry on taking them but I did and the feelings from the previous day didn't continue.

However, the first week I got the majority of the common side effects stated in the leaflet. I felt sick constantly. I couldn't eat anything. And my main problem was that I couldn't sleep at all. In January I was still working and that required me getting up at 7am and being in work 8.30-5/5.30 but, I'd still be wide awake come 4am. I would be exhausted all day and my eyes would be dropping but the moment I got into bed, I was wide awake. I ended up sticking Netflix on for hours in the hope it would make me drop off. (I did find out that I love Brooklyn Nine-Nine though and powered through it very quickly. Swings and roundabouts.)
The other side effects of feeling sick and having no appetite went after a couple of weeks but the insomnia was destroying me. I wrote about not being able to sleep too, here.

An odd side effect I have had is that I've lost the ability to cry. I have Googled this but I can't find many others that have had this and other people I know on the medication haven't really experienced it either. It feels like all the emotions I could feel have just been drained out of me. The second week I was on the medication, I went to see The Danish Girl at the cinema. I am a crier. Especially a film crier. This is the kind of film I would have cried at. But I just sat there, and I felt nothing. My friend was sobbing and I knew it was sad but I just didn't feel anything. Since then I've only managed the odd few tears a handful of times. It sounds odd to complain about not being able to cry, when I previously spent so much time crying, but it's frustrating not being able to. Sometimes you just need a good cry!

In February I gave myself the whole month to do whatever I wanted; to be selfish. I let myself wake up whenever I naturally did. It was really nice to not have to be woken by an alarm, even though I wasn't actually getting that much sleep still. I managed to nap for an hour or so a few times during the day, which I never used to do. I just did whatever I wanted, when I wanted and I really needed that time to just feel relaxed and free. I also began my course of CBT. I was doing it online via an app. The app is full of programmes, tools and techniques to control and manage anxiety. My reviewer checked in every two weeks to see how I was getting on and ask me questions. I can send him messages and there is a journal I can put everything that's on my mind in that I find really useful.

In March I began working from home. For the first couple of weeks I left my alarm off and let myself wake up naturally. I put my alarm on from the middle of the month and have it on for the same time every weekday now. I make sure I get changed everyday even if it is just putting on my scruffy jogging bottoms. Just as long as I change out of what I slept in. I really enjoy the work I'm doing now and being able to do it at home in my own time. My bosses have been so supportive to me during all of this.
I could definitely tell I was feeling a lot clearer. My mind didn't wander off to dark places and make me think bad thoughts. I talked to my family a lot more and joined in conversations at tea time. The sleep problem was still bothering me and my doctor prescribed me sleeping pills for 10 days. I mentioned in the sleep post that although the tablets got me to sleep quicker, they didn't make me feel any better and once they ended I had the worst night yet. I decided with my doctor, and also my CBT reviewer, that it would have to be something I have to just let pass and use relaxation techniques etc to help make getting to sleep easier (easier said than done).

I have missed one day of medication and I was okay until later in the day when I didn't feel well at all. Could have been coincidence? There have also been a couple of times when I have taken the pill a few hours later than I usually do and this also makes me feel very sluggish and I don't tend to have good days then.
I have now finished my course of CBT and my results from it show that my anxiety levels have improved from when I started. I found it really useful and doing it online meant I could work through it in my own time. I still get access to the app and materials on it for another year too so I don't feel like I've been thrown into the wilderness to go it alone.
I definitely feel like working from home has helped. I love what I'm doing now but I am getting a bit worried about my financial situation and the future. With working from home though I do need to make sure I go outside most days. I've got really into walking around the park where I live but some days that seems like too much and I end up just walking to Tesco and back!
Also, after 6 very long months... this last couple of weeks I have managed to sleep!! I don't want to jinx this but I haven't struggled getting to sleep. I haven't lay awake wondering when my eyes will close. I haven't been tossing and turning for hours. I'm still going to sleep quite late but I've got into the habit of only going to bed later now, however I ham managing to get 7 or 8 hours in most nights! Hallelujah! Hopefully this isn't a blip and it continues...

And now, this last month or so I have noticed I have had a lot more bad days than I've had since beginning medication. Once I started medication I was just having the odd bad day and then I'd be good to go again the next. Recently it's been constant bad days for about 5 weeks. I was scared that I've got too used to the medication and the effect is wearing off but I did the right thing and went to the doctors before I started feeling worse and back to my old self. I have been prescribed a slightly higher dosage so hopefully this will have a positive effect. And hopefully it doesn't sned my sleeping crazy again..!


Overall I am pleased with my progress in such a short space of time. It makes me even more annoyed at myself that I let myself struggle for so long. I'm so lucky and grateful that I have good people in my life who have been supportive.

The Monthly Playlist: June

Another month, another playlist. This month is quite upbeat, which seems necessary right now.

Orange is the New Black was back this month so obviously the theme song is in there. As well as the song from the closing credits of episode 1... I'll see if you can work out which one it is.
New songs from Kaiser Chiefs and Bastille came out and I love them both quite a lot.
Plus a few new finds and a bunch of rediscoveries.

Enjoy!

When Twitter Attacks...

I had quite an eventful couple of days on Twitter last week. I have written my full version of the story over on Freudian Sluts so please go read that - LINK.
I did just want to briefly mention it on here though.

So what happened? Gymnast Louis Smith posted an image onto Instagram which sexualised a woman (who was 16 in the photo) and the woman was a member of the same sport as Smith. He was called out on this by others but I shared screenshots and tweets on Twitter after Smith replied to my on Instagram proving he did not understand why people were complaining about the image.

A day or so later I began getting a lot of tweets. A LOT. Curious, I did a twitter search. The Daily Mail used my tweets to make an article about the situation. And then a lot of other national news and viral sites ran the story. I'm sure you can imagine the type of tweets I was getting. I must have got over 300. It became quite the exhausting day with comments ranging from "lol fucking feminist" right through to actual death threats.

It was SO frustrating that neither Smith nor the people tweeting my just DID NOT UNDERSTAND why the whole thing is a problem.
Everything is in the Freudian Sluts article so please please go read that. It has all the details and screenshots and I'd really appreciate if you would have a read of it.

May Favourites

Monthly favourites time. I feel like May lasted AGES and I have a nice little selection of things I have enjoyed this month. HERE WE GO...

PLACE

OBVIOUSLY it goes without saying that Disneyland was my favourite place everything this month. I have posted some photos already that you can see here. It was so magical and I got to spend it with my best friends. I can't wait til I can go back again.

FASHION

I decided a bit ago I wanted a denim jacket and I was going to put a load of awesome patches all over it. In my head I saw the perfect jacket - as is always the case - and I managed to find it on ASOS. It was the perfect length and colour and I've hardly taken it off since I bought it. I did have patches on it, however they have fallen off, dammit. Going to have to see if I know how to sew...
The jacket is here but it looks like most sizes have sold out now, sorry!

BEAUTY

There's actually a few products to mention here... Firstly, the Rimmel Lasting Finish Concealer. I saw this getting mixed reviews but then I saw a video and it looked like it did a good job so I decided to try it. I'm not a huge fan of how grubby it looks after sticking your finger in a few times BUT the product itself is amazing. It has great coverage, works perfectly under my eyes and on blemishes and it sticks around all day.

Next is the Ultra HD Matte Lipcolor from Revlon. I have the shade Seduction. It feels very comfortable on the lips and doesn't dry them out, like "ultra matte" suggests. I tend to wear the Rimmel Exaggerate Lip Pencil in 'Eastend Snob' underneath and the colour of the two of them together is perfection.

My friend bought me a H&M mask for my birthday. This was my first delve into H&M Beauty and I think I am hooked. She got me the Charcoal & Pumice mask with walnut and fig and, is for tired looking skin. It is an exfoliating mask so it contains little gritty bits (scientific name). I put it all over my face for 20-30 minutes then rub it in with a little warm water before taking it off with a flannel. I noticed a difference immediately! My skin looked so bright and felt so soft. I managed to get 2/3 uses out the little pot and I have already bought more. H&M, please can you put this is a big pot!?

When I went to buy more of the mask my eye was drawn to a can of "dry conditioner". Dry shampoo, sure... never heard of dry conditioner. But I was more than intrigued so I bought it. It claims to provide instant softness as well as being lightweight and hydrating. I don't know what witchcraft it possesses but my hair definitely felt softer and it doesn't feel heavy or like I have a lot of product in my hair. I even managed to get away with third day hair as well with this stuff! HURRAY!

BOOK

I finally jumped on the bandwagon a year after everyone else and read The Girl On The Train and oh boy does it live up to the hype. I have wanted to read it for a while and then with the film coming out later this year I wanted to read it first. I'm not a great book reviewer but the story is great and I was hooked. I kept telling myself I'd just read a couple of chapters and then 2 hours would have passed. If you liked Gone Girl, I'd definitely recommend this. Very much looking forward to the film now.

DOCUMENTARY

This month I watched a documentary on Netflix called She's Beautiful When She's Angry. It follows American women during the second wave of feminism in the 60/70s. It talks about gender gaps, abortion, jobs, women of colour, sexuality and so many more feminist issues. It has clips from during the time as well as interviews from the women who where involved in the movement. It is incredibly good and I'd recommend it to anyone. It shows how just how much things haven't changed a lot in 50 years in terms of equality and how important feminism is.

TV

Since Better Call Saul season 2 finished (which was INCREDIBLE!) I decided to rewatch Breaking Bad. Now that I've recently watched BCS, the connections between the two shows are even more obvious and my rewatch has just confirmed that Breaking Bad is probably my favourite TV show ever. The characters are amazing, the cinematography is beautiful and man, that soundtrack!

What have you been loving in May? Any the same as me?

The Monthly Playlist: May

This month's playlist is actually the shortest so far. I was in Disneyland for a few days at the start of the month, and I managed to only put one Disney song on the playlist. That's quite impressive, no?
I did rediscover some old favourites and found some new music this month though. Also... totally obsessed with the new Justin Timberlake song.

I have also listened to Cake By The Ocean literally every single day, numerous times, but it was on February's playlist so I have tried to restrain myself from just making a 90 minute playlist of that song.

Here's May...

I'm A College Drop Out

It's got to that point of the year where students are doing exams in order to get in to college, university or, a job with their degree. They're stressed, the pressure is high and it feels like if you mess up then you will have ruined your life.
So, I wanted to share my story with education...

Without being big-headed, I am intelligent. I was in the top sets at school, I did my Maths GCSE a year earlier and I got straight A's in my exams. In school, our form tutor used to give us all end of year "awards" for things we had done throughout the year. In final year my award was "Most Likely To Succeed".
At school we were all just told the route is GCSEs > A Levels > Degree > Job. That terrified me. I had no idea what I wanted to do (I still don't) and in the back of my head I also knew I didn't want to go to university at all. Nobody in my family has ever been to university so we have all grown up around the idea of going to school and then getting a job... and that's what I wanted to do.

I did my GCSEs, I did incredibly well and I enrolled for A Levels. All my friends did and I didn't know what else to do. From the very first day of college I hated it. I presumed it was just the change I didn't like so I left it to settle and to get used to things. But I hated it more and more every week. In hindsight, I knew that it just wasn't for me. I wasn't doing things I enjoyed and I wasn't getting anything from it.
Whilst I was at college I got my first job in retail. It was just a weekend job and it was a very low wage but it made me feel so good. It made me feel good to be earning money, meeting people, feeling useful and being independent.

As the college year got further on, I struggled more and more and I started skiving a lot of lessons. I live so close to college that I'd just go home and couldn't be bothered going back. I remember going to the doctors at one point because I was feeling constantly sick and I was told that it was stress.
You should not be suffering from stress at 17 because of education.

My mental health suffered badly. I wasn't eating properly, I wasn't motivated to do anything but I didn't know what to do to get out. I felt like I'd be letting down my family, friends, teachers if I quit. They all expected so much from me - "Most Likely To Succeed" was in my head constantly.
Around March/April time I decided to speak to someone. I did Psychology and I loved it. It was the only thing I enjoyed, I loved the tutor too and, felt comfortable around her. I went to find her during break but she wasn't in her room. That tipped me over the edge. I sat on the floor in the middle of the corridor and sobbed. She eventually found me crying outside her room and told me she knew I wasn't okay. She was amazing. She put me in contact with the student councillor, who spoke to all my tutors on my behalf.

I was then able to decide that I knew I had to leave college, for my own health. At this point, I only had a month or so left of the first year and whilst I couldn't bear to be there and I had so much work left to do, I stayed to do my AS exams. I saw the councillor every day and I did my work in a room with her where I could be on my own in the quiet.
I sat my exams and by some kind of miracle I actually did incredibly well. But I knew I couldn't carry on and do it all over again, especially with no intention on going to university. I signed a form to officially say I was leaving and I instantly felt lighter.
I called work and told them what I had done and they immediately gave me full time hours. I have worked and been independent ever since and I'm so proud of myself for that. I've now been working for 7/8 years, earning my own money and buying my own things without relying on anyone else.

I'm not writing this to put anyone off going into further education. If you want to go, that's amazing and I wish you all the luck in the world. This is just my story. I felt pressured into going to college and university when it wasn't what I wanted. I was made to feel that by dropping out, I would have rubbish jobs for the rest of my life. But that's not true.
And I wish I had known that sooner and I wish school hadn't put so much pressure on. Some people don't belong in education and that is okay.

And hey, whilst I don't have a degree... I also don't have a load of debt ;)

Disneyland Paris in Photos

Last week I spent four days in Disneyland Paris. I have been before when I was three but I barely remember anything so I'm taking this time as my first real time in Disneyland.
The weather was amazing, we got to do everything we wanted and just had the best time!
Instead of me rambling too much, here are some photos I took over the few days we were there.

Obligatory castle photo

I already can't wait until I can go back again.

The Monthy Playlist: April

I think this month's playlist is my favourite yet. It's a good mix of classics, throwbacks and some new discoveries.
Particular favourites are Gay Pirates by Cosmo Jarvis. The actual story and lyrics are the song are pretty heartbreaking but it is great and important and I've loved it. It was brought to my attention by Becki's Freudian Sluts Playlist.
Cool For Cats by Squeeze is a song I first heard when I was very young and I have always loved it. It recently came on when I was driving and I have very much been enjoying singing along in a cockney accent.
And after seeing the new Jungle Book, of course I had to put a song in the playlist!

I'm actually going to Disneyland on Tuesday (!!) so I'm sure May will have even more Disney in it.

Here is April Playlist in full to put in your ears.

April Favourites

We all love a "Favourites" post... even if they are incredibly enabling. I used to love doing these on my old blog, and I always watch Youtubers Favourites.
So I'm bringing in back but instead of just being beauty, I'm going to basically included everything I have loved this month. Beauty, TV, games etc etc etc. Mainly because my beauty routine is pretty constant right now and there isn't really that much newness to talk about.
Having said that, let's start with beauty...

BEAUTY

It was my birthday this month and my friend, Nicola, was an absolute babe and got me one of the Urban Decay x Gwen Stefani lipsticks. The shade is "Ex Girlfriend" which is a beautiful everyday nude. It is quite sheer but can be built up for a more opaque finish. I usually wear it on top of MAC's Soar lip liner. The formula is so creamy and soft! I've never used an UD lipstick before but I am definitely keen to try more now. Also, can we just talk about the Gwen Stefani packaging? -heart eyes-

FILM

I tried to pick one but I'm going to cheat and just put this down as "New Disney Films". This month I saw the two newest releases from Disney and I loved them both. First I saw Zootropolis. I talked about that in this post, but I loved it so much. The way it discusses discrimination and prejudice is amazing. It has great characters, a great story and it's very funny.
The second Disney film I saw was the live action remake of The Jungle Book. I wasn't sure what to think of this. In general, I am sick of all the remakes and especially as all the ones so far have, quite frankly, been rubbish. The cast of The Jungle Book looked amazing though and then the reviews started coming out and they were all great so I was a little more excited... It is brilliant! It is exactly what a live action remake should be. It kept the songs!! I genuinely believe this is were other films have gone wrong. The cast was perfect and with them all being just voice cast, it didn't take away from the character they were playing. The boy playing Mowgli was incredible. They did such a good job relating it to the animated version and I absolutely love how it ends with a book closing á la all the classic Disney films. I'm really looking forward to Beauty and the Beast next year now.

TV

My favourite TV show this month, and probably going to be one of the year's favourites, is Line of Duty. I'd never actually heard of it before but this month the third series started. I saw a lot of hype about it and then noticed series 1 and 2 on Netflix. So I watched it all in a weekend (obviously) so I could watch the current series. It is a police drama focusing on the Anti Corruption Unit who are trying to uncover corrupt police officers within the force. I won't spoil anything but the series 3 finale was on last night and it was an incredibly tense 90 minutes of my life. I was getting angry watching it (because the story and characters are just SO GOOD) and I was fully exhausted by the time it had finished. Highly recommend!

GAME

This is a bit of an odd category for me as I'm not a massive game player, so I doubt it will feature every month. But again, I'm cheating by grouping two games together. And again, it has a Disney theme.
First up is Disney's Magic Kingdoms. This is game in which you build your own Disneyland!! You complete tasks to unlock new characters and rides. I am fully addicted.
Second is Disney Crossy Road. When the original Crossy Road came out, I was a bit addicted. Then they brought a Disney version out. Again, you can collect all the characters to play as and literally all you do is cross a road without being hit or falling in the river. It sounds boring but... I can't stop playing.

BOOK

I have got quite into reading this year (finally!) and my friend, Katie, sent me a few books for my birthday. One was a little book called "We Should All be Feminists" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. She is a Nigerian lady and this was originally a TED Talk she gave which she has expanded and published. It is a great little read especially for people wanting to understand feminism more and why it is important. I really enjoyed reading about her experiences when she was living back in Nigeria and how the attitudes of the men there towards women are. The TED Talk is on Youtube too, if you can't get hold of the book. 

MUSIC

Here is April's playlist... 

What are you loving at the moment? Any the same as me?

"Why Are You Wearing Makeup?"

Do you have a really kick ass lipstick? Or have you just used your hard earned money to treat yourself to a new eyeshadow palette?
And then, do you leave them on your dressing table wondering when you will get an opportunity to use them?

I say... WEAR THEM EVERYDAY.

Wear them to work. Wear them to go on a walk. Wear them to pop to the shop for a bottle of milk. Dammit, wear them to just potter about your home!

And when someone, inevitably, questions why you are wearing red lipstick, and/or rocking a smokey eye, here are a list of responses you can give them...

1. I'm fabulous
2. It's -insert day of the week here-
3. It's sunny/rainy/hot/cold (delete/add as appropriate)
4. I got out of bed today
5. I had a good breakfast/I remembered to have breakfast
6. So I can get shit done
7. Why are you NOT wearing -insert makeup item here-?
8. YOLO
9. Because I can
10. Cos I am a strong, confident woman/man/other and I will do what I like!


I remember when I first started reading beauty blogs and noticed that everyone was wearing beautiful lip colours and I wanted  so badly to be able to wear them and wear them confidently. Then I thought... FUCK IT.
I bought a Barry M one (that bright green one that changes colour on the lips), it was quite a bubblegum pink on me. I wore it to work and at first the people I worked with were all "ooh, how come you have lipstick on? You don't usually wear lipstick."
But I carried in wearing it every day. And then slowly started buying more. And more. And even more.
It very quickly turned in to... "WHY HAVE YOU NO LIPSTICK ON?!" on the days when I couldn't be bothered. And my lip product collection is frankly ridiculous. (But that dusky rose lipstick is DEFINITELY a slightly different shade from the other 5 dusky rose lipsticks...)

You look great. You spent your money. Wear it with pride! You ARE confident enough to wear it all the time.
Feel free to comment with additional responses.