Friday 4 January 2019

DIARY: ANTIDEPRESSANT WITHDRAWAL

4th January 2019 Louise here... I haven't edited any of the following entries after reading through. I wanted them to be in the raw state that I wrote them in. Apologies for any repetition! I've done this because when I was thinking of coming off medication I would search for other people's experience so it could be a good resource for someone. Please be aware I'm not a medical profession. This is all my own individual experience and everyone will react differently to medication and withdrawal.


I started taking anti-depressants in January 2016 after many years of hiding my mental illness, being ashamed of it and pretending it didn't exist. After hitting the darkest pit of rock bottom I had enough and decided to get help. Almost 3 years later I felt ready to try and come off medication. I have been taking Citalopram the entire time on various dosages over time from 10mg - 30mg and at the time of starting to withdraw I was taking 10mg.
I am fully accepting and okay with that fact that I may just need them again in the future and I may not be able to be without them. I never think "ugh got to take my happy pills!!" It's just part of my daily routine and I don't think twice about it. I'm just curious to see how I go without the added help.

So I decided to keep a diary to keep track of any changes...


3rd October 2018

This morning I went to the doctor's for my annual medication review. In January I will have been taking anti-depressants (on various dosages) for 3 years. All year I've been thinking about trying to come off medication and seeing how my brain is without the drugs and how I cope. Every time I've thought about making the appointment a bad brain day hits and I get scared off the idea.
I've been feeling so good for a pretty long period now and when I went to my appointment it just felt like this was the right moment to start the withdrawal. I explained to my very amazing doctor that I've been exercising and doing yoga this year which has been a massive help for me and she was happy for me to try coming off the medication.
As I'm already on the lowest dosage she said I could either split them in half for a couple of weeks, do alternate days or just go straight ahead and stop taking them. I feel really good about that latter option. I know it's going to be difficult at first. When I've forgotten to take my tablet in the past, those days are not fun at all. But I'm hoping that as this time I know I'm not taking it rather than forgetting, that it will subconsciously make me feel better about it. I've got lots planned to keep me busy too. And I've told those closest to me what I'm doing. Work know I'm doing this and I've told them I may be a little sluggish for a few days/weeks. They are so supportive which is great, too.
I'm feeling so positive about this and I'm ready!

4th October 2018

Day 1 with no anti-depressant. I have occasionally over the last 3 years forgotten to take my pill and those days have, quite frankly, been shit. I can literally feel my body crashing and burning after a couple of hours of being up. And by then it's too late to rectify so I have to just deal with having a bad day. Today I came to work as normal and I kept thinking to myself "I wonder when the crash is going to hit me" and then trying to bat that thought away. Once it got to midday I was feeling pretty good! The crash hadn't come! My head had started feeling a little fuzzy but nothing I couldn't deal with and generally I still felt good. By the afternoon I noticed I was getting really irritable and getting angry at little things and wanted to cry. I still don't feel bad. My brain feels okay. I'm just easily irritated at the moment. I am going to the gym later so I can get those endorphins flowing! But in all I am feeling positive with my first day of no medication. It went a lot better than expected so hopefully tomorrow is the same.

6th October 2018

So day 1 was completely fine except the little moment of anger. I got very tired in the evening but I did get to sleep quicker. Day 2 was great too. I felt good all day and didn’t have any anger either. Today (Saturday) I woke up and was okay but felt pretty tired. And then I got irrationally angry even more than the first day. It literally felt like my blood was boiling. I ended up crying when my 10 month old niece wouldn’t drink her juice properly. I was then going to the Trafford Centre with my boyfriend and although very tired I started feeling much better. And I was fine until I drove home and got stuck behind a very slow driver. The anger overwhelmed me and felt like I couldn’t control it. Hoping this doesn’t last much longer but day 3 is the first kind of bad day. I’m going to the gym tomorrow so hopefully that will help too.


8th October 2018

Yesterday was a good day. I had a good gym session and then a really chilled day and felt good. I am noticing that I am just getting very irritable and angry about most things. Another thing I've noticed is that my lips are super dry! I can't find anything online at the moment about this being a side effect of withdrawing. Maybe it's coincidence, but something to note.
Other than that just incredibly tired. Not slept too good the last couple of nights and been very distracted today and not able to focus properly.


9th October 2018

The irrational anger is really hard. In every other way I feel great. I don’t feel depressed and I don’t feel like I’m going back to how I was pre-medication. But the anger. Anger and irritable doesn’t even feel strong enough to describe it. For a few days I’ve been needing a good cry. I was just in the gym and it started. Not helped by me forgetting to bring a hair bobble to the gym. Yep.
So I quickly left and now I’m sat in my car trying to cry it all out. I’ve done some Googling and it seems a common side effect of the withdrawal. Which kind of makes sense... I don’t have that additional serotonin any more. Some people say it will take a couple weeks. Some say a few months. I don’t like it at all though.

14th October 2018

The last few days the anger has felt a little more under control. I've not felt it as intensely as I have been doing. The last couple days there was none at all which was great. Yesterday was a weird one though. I was feeling great all day. Got up at a good time and ate well. Then suddenly about 4/5pm I just switched and felt quite low and sad. Which is the first time in nearly two weeks of withdrawal that I have felt sad! I slept very badly too. I woke about 4am and then every time I closed my eyes I went straight into what I think was a night terror. My legs felt like they couldn't move. It was very weird.
I got up today though and went to the gym and I saw my friends in the afternoon and have felt much better than yesterday. I'm just trying to pull out positives from everything even when I feel angry or sad because I do know now that moods aren't permanent and I'm not stuck there.

19th October 2018

Whenever I try to keep a diary I do really well for a few days and then I either forget or think "I'll do it tomorrow".
So it's been a few days... The sleeping this from the previous entry continued for a few more nights
though not as terrifying. I would wake up but still be dreaming, but I knew I was awake and I was. Then I close my eyes, the dream still continuing but it freaked me out so I'd wake again but the dream wouldn't stop. Very bizarre experience. The last couple nights it hasn't happened but it has taken me longer to get to sleep and I have woken up a few times in the night too. The anger does seem to have pretty much subsided now though so hopefully the sleep issues will too.
I'm still feeling really good in general though. I've not had any bad brain days. I just feel "normal". lol what is normal?!

22nd October 2018

Today is Monday. Saturday was probably my first bad brain day of the withdrawal. First bad brain day in a while actually. I made myself get up and go to the gym even though I didn't really want to. I felt a little angry, too. I did my workout, came home and washed my car, had some food and then I got into bed and didn't get out again until Sunday. I spent the vast majority of that time crying. Just over anything and everything. Maybe it was all just pent up emotion that I've been needing to get out. But it wouldn't stop. And it took ages to get to sleep. Yesterday was much better. I felt more 'alive'. But then had the worst night sleep yet. The waking up but still dreaming thing was happening but it seemed much more frightening and I couldn't keep still. I even woke myself up whimpering at one point. So it feels like I've had about 20 minutes sleep which is not an idea start for a Monday morning...

29th October 2018

Much better weekend than the previous! I went out on Saturday night with my friends and I did start getting very tired towards the end of the night and was glad to be in bed! But I went out and didn't get any pre-night out anxiety like I have in the past. I think it helped that I told my friends I would be going home after our meal and not going out later.
The sleep is improving too. The scary dreaming situation (touch wood) seems to have ceased. I am sometimes waking up once or twice but am pretty much going straight back to sleep without having much of an impact.
My tear ducts are certainly unsealed these days! When I started taking antidepressants, almost immediately I lost the ability to cry. It may not sound like a bad thing and at first it wasn't - I'd be crying all the time so it was nice to not be doing that - but sometimes you need a cry! Now I've stopped the medication and the rusted up tear ducts have been oiled up and they are flowing free! Sometimes it's actually fine and good... I read a book (Tattooist of Auschwitz) and bawled my eyes out and it was nice to be able to experience the emotions. However I have been going to bed some nights, or just before I'm going to bed, and my brain whispers something to me I don't like and then I end up crying and then I can't get to sleep for a while.
I know my body is still getting used to the changes and I have to ride it out so I'm remaining positive about it and I am actually feeling great!
The clocks went back yesterday and this time of year, when it's dark and miserable all the time, is usually when I feel worse. I definitely experience some SAD so I'm hoping this good feeling continues through the next few months!

8th November 2018

I had every intention of doing this entry 4 days ago on the actual month-iversary of withdrawal... but alas here we are! But I have done a whole month with no anti depressants and I feel great. I have read that cold turkey isn't recommended and from the past when I've missed a day it has been awful. I feel like sometimes I'm waiting for the day when it will hit but so far so good. I think it shows that it was the perfect time for me to do this. My sleeping has got better in that I haven't woken in the night for a week or so but I have found it more difficult to get to sleep the last couple of days. Also finding SAD a bit tricky this year. As it gets to about 3pm all my motivation is wiped and I feel so drained. Getting up this morning was difficult too.


14th November 2018

I am officially a fully trained Mental Health First Aid-er! I have spent the last 2 days on a course and it was amazing. So insightful and I have learnt so much more about Mental Health than I imagined I would. I'm putting together Mental Health at Work guides at work and this was the last thing I wanted to do before I release it to my colleagues so I'm very excited to see how this goes.

On another note to how I'm feeling, I have noticed the last week I have been feeling sick a lot. But not actually wanting to be sick which I've always attributed to my anxiety. I can't remember when I last had it and I'm trying hard to remember if it was pre-antidepressants or if I did experience it when I was on them. And so just wondering if that is just this weeks withdrawal side effect!


21st November 2018

Here is a list of ridiculous things that have made me cry in the last few weeks

  • Mary Poppins Returns trailer, whilst being stood in the middle of the Disney Store
  • Thinking about finally seeing Mary Poppins Returns
  • The pattern the autumn leaves made blowing in the wind as I drove past
  • A podcast about plastic
  • A podcast about books
  • Pretty much every podcast I've listened to
  • The Boots Christmas advert.... but not the first time. It was about the 20th time of seeing it
  • This Morning's phone in on gender identity in children
  • Thinking about the ending of Tattooist of Auschwitz
  • A snake on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here
  • Any time Anne Hegerty is on screen on I'm A Celeb

SAD is kicking my arse massively this year. Worse than ever. I imagine that coming off medication is probably a factor but I don't recall it being this bad pre-medication. And I don't know what to do. I can't afford one of these daylight lamps. I've tried magnesium supplements but it just doesn't seem to be agreeing with me. Whenever I take it I wake up throughout the night feeling very weird... can't really explain it. So I guess it's just having to ride it out.

4th December 2018

Today is 2 months of not taking my medication. I still on the whole feel great. I am still struggling with sleep and I can cry at the drop of a hat BUT I don't feel like I did before I went on the pills. Whenever I cry at ridiculous things my brain goes to "oooh what if you're falling back there!" and I have to bat it away. I have noticed anxiety has felt worse the last week or so. I'm not sure why. I only got to the gym once last month and today I'm getting back to my usual routine so hoping that will help out with all that.

10th December 2018

This time of year is hard and the fact you can't say you don't enjoy Christmas without someone being like "BUT IT'S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR" or calling you a Scrooge. Without even considering why you might not enjoy this time of year. For me it's a reminder, in the form of a knife through the heart, that most of my grandparents aren't here anymore. And I can't look past that unfortunately. So trying to deal with that, with people having a go because you don't love it as much as they do, with the SAD that comes with the darkness of winter and then with the added coming off anti-depressants... it isn't that fun.
I do feel like the vitamin D supplements are helping a lot though. I notice I cope a lot better in the evenings on the days I remember to take it compared to when I don't. Maybe it's a placebo effect? But it's a good effect so I just need to remember to take it everyday.

19th December 2018

I have no real update only that I just feel generally good. I have been getting a bit of anxiety over money worries and things I probably know I don't need to. But as we know... mental health doesn't care for logic! So that's made me have a few nights bad sleep. I finish work on Friday for Christmas and I'm so excited to have a bit of time off to do nothing.

21st December 2018

It's last day of work for the year. It's (finally!) the Shortest Day!! And I'm going to see Mary Poppins Returns today. So all in all a fantastic day and I feel amazing!
I've kind of been counting down to the Shortest Day because I'm hoping this means the SAD will start improving. January does usually tend to be tough though and no medication may make it tougher? BUT I have gotten through my first end of year with no medication and though SAD has kicked my ass hard this year, I've fought back and I think I've done really well.


25th December 2018

I’ve not dreaded Christmas at all this year. I’ve not felt festive either. But not dreaded it. And kinda been looking forward to it.
But then it got to 10pm and I started crying and it’s just hit midnight and I’ve still not fucking stopped.
I’m the only sibling still at home (and the oldest which makes me feel more pathetic) but this is the first year I’m on my own at home. All my brain thinks about it wanting to buy a house and then tells me how much of a loser I am that I still don’t have one.
I don’t get to spend the day with my boyfriend which is also making me sad because everyone else I see in real life and online is spending the day with their partner and it just makes me a bit sad. I can’t help it. And I know I’m being stupid.
Been so tired all day and now I can’t sleep and I can’t stop fucking crying. I really thought maybe this year Christmas would feel good for me.

27th December 2018

Christmas was fine. We had a nice time and I saw my family. But I am glad it’s done. It’s just so mentally draining. On Christmas Day I was ready for bed at 5pm with not a single ounce of energy in me. And Christmas Day was our quiet day! We had our dinner on Boxing Day when my nieces and nephews could be here.
I am ready for the ultimate lazy day today. May aim to go to the gym tomorrow too. Woken up today in not a great mood so maybe that will help.
But it’s all done for another year and now I can just enjoy a few days off work.

29th December 2018

Definitely been feeling not all that jolly the last few days. I woke up too late to go to the gym yesterday but I did have a clear out of some things which was good. Been really struggling to sleep this last week. Just lying awake for hours. I think it could be because I’m out of a routine now? But getting back into one is going to be so difficult I can already tell.

31st December 2018

I think last night was the worst yet for sleeping. It did dawn on me whilst lying awake that I haven’t taken a vitamin D the whole week. I’ve taken one today so we’ll see how tonight goes. But today has not been a good brain day.
3 years ago today I booked my doctors appointment to discuss my mental health. Can’t believe how quickly time has gone.
For now it’s New Year’s Eve. 2018 has been good. So hopefully 2019 follows and let’s see if we can stay on a good mental health path.
And please, brain, let me sleep tonight!

1st January 2019

Today has been the mother of all bad brain days. I’m pretty gutted that’s how I spent the first day of a brand new year but trying not to dwell on it.
I’ve been feeling quite shitty the whole week. I just don’t do well this week of the year and mostly I’ve managed to ignore it but I think it all must have built up and fame to a head today. I love having the time off work. Working retail at Christmas was hell so having a job now where I get the time off is amazing. But I think my brain likes routine more.
So I eventually got out of bed and showered... because my boyfriend is a saint. And we went for a walk and I did feel a little better after that.
So it’s back to work tomorrow so maybe once I’m back in routine everything will be okay. I took vitamin D yesterday and slept much better and I’ve done the same today so fingers crossed because the alarm at 7am isn’t going to be fun...

2nd January 2019

Now I don't know if the Vitamin D did work the other night or not cos last night was awful! I fell asleep just after 8 for maybe 45 minutes. And then I get in bed... and no more sleep is coming. Was awake til after 1am. So I've had less than 6 hours sleep. Don't feel too bad right now though to be honest so maybe I just needed to wake up early again? And hopefully tonight will be better.
Feeling okay so far today. Work has been quiet so got done what needs doing.
I'm so happy yoga is tonight. Can't wait to just have a hour in silence. And then back to the gym tomorrow and I'm pretty excited for that!
Just a couple more days and I've hit the 3 months of no anti-depressants! It's gone so quickly.

4th January 2019

The day is here! 3 months since I last took an anti-depressant!

So first of all sleep has improved. I did yoga on Wednesday which was great. Class was so full which was lovely. Then I read before bed and I'm pretty sure I was asleep by 11! Last night was a bit trickier but I'm fairly certain I dropped off by midnight so that's good. And I am feeling much better that I was last week too.

But 3 months with no medication... honestly I thought it would be much harder. The side effects I got when I went on them were awful and lasted so long and from previous things I read I was expecting similar with withdrawal. I told my bosses that I was coming off and said that I may have some bad days with the effects. Overall I have felt just as I have in the last year of being on them. There have been bad brain days, but I know now they aren't permanent. SAD was much tougher this year which I imagine the withdrawal had an effect on, and I didn't really think about this time of year approaching when I went to the doctors to discuss coming off them. But I could acknowledge what was happening and I got through it. I tried magnesium but I don't think that agrees with me but I do think vitamin D has some impact so need to remember that for next year.
The anger was a very unexpected effect and luckily it only lasted a week or so but I didn't like that. The sleep issues... I mean at this point I'm just used to the fact that I'm going to struggle with sleep. I read Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker last year and it's really interesting and I think this year I need to just establish a really good bedtime routine.

I'm feeling good about this year right now. My resolutions/goals for the year include trying not to dwell on bad things/moods/things I can't control, unfollow anything online that don't make me happy and have a good bedtime routine to help sleep.

Before I decided to withdraw I was fully understanding and accepting that one day I may need them again. And that is so okay. They got me out of a really bad place and brought me to a good place and they completely changed my life for the better. I just want to see how my body and brain is without them for now.


**Please be aware I'm not a medical profession. This is all my own individual experience and everyone will react differently to medication and withdrawal**